Self-Compassion in the South Asian Community

At Rising Embers Therapy & Wellness, self-compassion is held as part of culturally responsive therapy, especially for South Asian, first-generation, and multicultural clients who may have learned to survive through pressure, performance, shame, or emotional self-silencing.

Take some of the radiance you pour out for others and turn it inward to shine on the neglected parts of your soul. It’s time.

– Dr. Thema Bryant-Davis, PhD

I remember the first time I felt what others had described to me as self-compassion. I was 25 years old, and so incredibly lucky to have two incredible friends and roommates that dropped me off at a day long retreat on self-compassion after experiencing a situation in which I felt worthy only of only being under the rock of forest that was covered and away from all human life. Actually, let’s go ahead and place that forest in the deepest crevice of the Mariana Trench and that may be more accurate. In other words: deep shame.

They surprised me, picked me up, gave me a sack lunch and said we’ll come back at the end of the day. The author and psychologist, Rick Hanson was giving a talk at Spirit Rock Meditation Center about self-compassion, and it changed my life forever.

What Self-Compassion Can Look Like in the South Asian Community

I did not understand what self-compassion was. I was under the impression that this meant giving yourself the ‘easy way out’ or ‘giving myself a pass’. As someone from the South Asian community, this was not going to resonate. There was no easy way out of situations, and accountability was etched into me from the day I was born. If I did not perform at my best, then more than failure, disappointment was the thing that I could not stand. Both, if others were disappointed in me or if I was disappointed in myself, the spirals of shame tape that began would become louder and louder until the next external validation came along big enough to drown out the tape for a while.

Self-Compassion Is Not Avoiding Accountability

Self-compassion, like many practices, is a life-long venture. It sounds like a good friend who really cares about you, and sees the best in you especially when you feel like you deserve it the least. I started to take in the writings and work of Dr. Kristin Neff, and began to see that self-compassion was actually holding myself accountable, not with judgement, cruelty or criticism but with kindness, mindfulness and common humanity.

For members of the South Asian community, you may have heard some examples of this, you may have not. It is really hard to practice this unless you have heard it yourself. I invite you to think about a good friend, someone who uplifts you and in moments you are beating yourself up, what do they say? How do they talk to you? What’s the tone, approach and words? What would it be like to start to turn that inward when you are starting to notice the old tape playing (you know the one that is familiar aka we can move under a rock in a forest in the Mariana Trench).

For South Asian therapy seekers, self-compassion can become a bridge between accountability and tenderness, creating room for growth without self-abandonment.

Practicing Self-Compassion Through Shame

One of the things many self-compassion practitioners and researchers note is that this may not always feel great in the beginning, and also is challenging. You may not even believe this new self-compassionate voice, and that’s okay. The idea here is to see what it would be like to introduce another way of being with yourself. There are so many reasons why we respond the way we do, some of the reasons we are aware of and some may contain limited insight. The narratives our brains create come from well-intentioned parts of ourselves that may be having the opposite impact on our situation. If we can pause and start to notice:

What’s the feeling here, can I notice it? Can I notice this hurts or brings pain?
Can I be with this feeling for a moment, not do anything with it, just be with it? I can place a hand where I notice this feeling come up if that helps me to be with this.
What is something I can say with kindness to this part of myself?
What is something I can work on for next time, a small action or step? Is there something I just learned about myself or the situation that can help me in the future?

A Small Self-Compassion Practice to Begin With

Let’s go through an example. You forgot to call a friend on her birthday after she had mailed you a thoughtful gift last year on your birthday. You look at your calendar, it’s already a week past her birthday. You also know she’s going through a hard time. You feel awful. Dialogue starts and may sound something like, “you are an awful friend, so selfish! How could you forget her birthday? Maybe you should just not talk to her at all anymore, how embarrassing. Avoidance is best. Actually, you don’t deserve to have a birthday anymore…” and the dialogue goes on.

Self-compassion can sound like: “Ouch, this sucks. I can’t believe I forgot her birthday. I feel terrible about this. Ugh. I am noticing it right here in my chest, my heart is racing (placing hand on heart). I care about this person so much, and I want her to feel special. This is something I am working on being better at, and I have a plan to write down these dates. Instead of avoiding this, I am still going to send her something, it’s still better late than not at all. Work has been so consuming lately, and I am doing the best I can right now.”

Self-compassion is a skill and takes practice. This is also a practice about honoring needs, and also staying with yourself even during the hardest of moments. In multicultural bodies, this can show up differently, noticing in what ways you are able to practice this in your own life. This can even look like taking an extra five minutes before walking into the house, or a small encouragement of knowing there is no right way to do this or to invite time and slowing down.

Also, remembering for many first and second generation folks, to give yourself compassion if you are trying to practice this without seeing or hearing it before. Capitalism, hustle culture, colonization, patriarchy, white supremacy are among many reasons why self-compassion is a practice that brown female bodies are not taught. When we refuse to abandon ourselves in moments of hardship, the possibilities are endless.

If you are exploring therapy for shame, anxiety, perfectionism, family expectations, or intergenerational patterns, self-compassion work can be one doorway into a gentler relationship with yourself.

For more information about self-compassion practices, visit The Self-Compassion Institute by Dr. Neff: https://self-compassion.org/

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